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“Drifting away through the sands of time,
snapping away the strands to heim,
in search of infinite stars, we step out,
but end up loving the mud, as we rout!”
~VVR 
“… so all that is left for me to tell you is that I love you.”
“But how are you so sure that you love me? A guy can never be sure.”
“But I am sure, because I am afraid!”
“What? Afraid of losing me?”
“No no. I know I am never going to lose you, before I die. I just fear for myself being so deeply attached to you…”
I could still remember every moment I spent with her and I am sure those memories won’t be leaving me anytime soon. Because, the times we spent in our relationship were more than a memory, they were a part of my life and a part of me. Though the breakup was mutual and unavoidable, it broke my heart and broke my strength to continue with my life. But time doesn’t halt for our wounds to heal and life goes on.
At 22 years, like most of the Indians do, I blindly followed the millions to pursue higher studies in US. And like most of the people, mine was desperation too. Whatever may be the reasons, I had taken an irreversible step and there’s no going back. I just had to make sure that I get back to my old self, both as a person and as a writer. Being a writer is very difficult, especially if you are unpopular, because you won’t have the pressure to keep writing. On top of it, when you are in the transformation phase, you won’t have the sense of reality. After moving to US, I couldn’t write for months, no matter how hard I tried. Memories of irreparable decisions haunted my dreams and troubled by reality. My break up with Akriti was just one of the tens of those decisions, but definitely on the top of those. But before trying to get back my love, I need to get back my soul – my ability to write. Because without an identity, love doesn’t exist, nothing does!
Grabbing my Taylor Swift notebook and the pen my dad gifted me, I started walking, don’t know where. After an hour, at the stroke of midnight, I have reached the Tempe lake. The view from the east entrance was breath taking! I knew instantly that this was my place. I settled down on a bench and tried to write something – anything, for almost about two hours, in vain. I understood that it was just not about the place and the mood, there’s something more to it.
I started walking back, when I tripped over someone lying unconscious on the floor. She was holding a note in her hand. I was afraid! The last thing I wanted to add to my problems, was a suicide case. I definitely wouldn’t have wanted another distraction and hence, I walked away.
After about ten minutes, I realized what a big mistake I have made! This is not what the old me would have done. I was chasing my identity for so long and when the situation arrived to prove my identity, I ran away from it. What if she was still alive? What if my fear turns out to be one of the reasons for her death? I can’t let that happen. I have to give her and give myself a chance. I started running back!
She was alive, indeed! I took the note and it read, “If I pass out, take me to the following address…” I was laughing at my fate and angry at my thoughts, at the same time.
“Come on Aki, just one sip. Don’t you want to taste how it is.”
“I seriously don’t.”
“Are you the pure one and we, a bunch of spoiled brats? Come on yaar!”
“I never said it is wrong to drink. It is not, at all!”
“Then?”
“No big reason. I believe in staying away from some things in life. That’s it. Arya also doesn’t drink, why don’t you ask him?”
“I don’t drink because I don’t want anything in my life to control my mind. That’s why I stay away from alcohol and girls.”
“Ha ha, that’s funny. Here I was thinking about asking you out on a date!”
“My rule doesn’t apply to you. You are special!”
I smiled as I remembered the conversation during our first outing with friends. Akriti truly was special to me, in every respect of my life. She was unique, she was herself!
I lifted the woman lying on the floor and started walking towards the parking, when I realized that I don’t have a vehicle. Forget about vehicle, I didn’t even had a phone to call for help. I lifted her to a standing position and immediately she puked on me just when I was thinking that my day couldn’t get worse. But because of all these, she became half conscious, but still unaware of what’s happening. I put her arms around my neck and started walking and she started walking with me. I took a cab and reached the address in her note. As my luck was that day, no one answered the door and I couldn’t even disturb the neighbors due to the lateness of the hour. I searched her purse and guess what, there were no keys! I found her license and it read, “Leia Brauner”. So, I wasted my night for a crazy, drunk European girl! I tried to wake her up in vain. Helpless, I sat down and she slept, leaning on my shoulder and within sometime, I too fell asleep at her door.
“You spend so much time with your college club, why?”
“Because I love it!”
“More than you love me?”
“I cannot love anything or anyone more than I love you.”
“So, you love me more!”
“I can’t compare, Aki.”
“Why not?”
“Because, love for that society made me who I am and your love made me who I want to be.”
“That’s what I love about you being a writer!” she said as she leaned on my shoulders. The enchanting view from the outdoor seating at Coffee day on the Upper lake, blending with the aroma of the dark chocolate cappuccino is one of the hundreds of things we loved to experience, together. The boundless serenity of the Upper lake complimented the short conversations we used to have. The love in her eyes, the care in her hugs, the dreams we dreamt together, the discussions that never ended and the promises we didn’t keep, everything crossed my mind as I opened my eyes the next day.
…To be continued.
euphoricwrites 