THE OTHER SIDE: THE FALL

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“Drifting away through the sands of time,
 snapping away the strands to heim, 
 in search of infinite stars, we step out, 
 but end up loving the mud, as we rout!” 

                                                            ~VVR                                                                       

“… so all that is left for me to tell you is that I love you.”
“But how are you so sure that you love me? A guy can never be sure.”
“But I am sure, because I am afraid!”
“What? Afraid of losing me?”
“No no. I know I am never going to lose you, before I die. I just fear for myself being so deeply attached to you…”

I could still remember every moment I spent with her and I am sure those memories won’t be leaving me anytime soon. Because, the times we spent in our relationship were more than a memory, they were a part of my life and a part of me. Though the breakup was mutual and unavoidable, it broke my heart and broke my strength to continue with my life. But time doesn’t halt for our wounds to heal and life goes on.

At 22 years, like most of the Indians do, I blindly followed the millions to pursue higher studies in US. And like most of the people, mine was desperation too. Whatever may be the reasons, I had taken an irreversible step and there’s no going back. I just had to make sure that I get back to my old self, both as a person and as a writer. Being a writer is very difficult, especially if you are unpopular, because you won’t have the pressure to keep writing. On top of it, when you are in the transformation phase, you won’t have the sense of reality. After moving to US, I couldn’t write for months, no matter how hard I tried. Memories of irreparable decisions haunted my dreams and troubled by reality. My break up with Akriti was just one of the tens of those decisions, but definitely on the top of those. But before trying to get back my love, I need to get back my soul – my ability to write. Because without an identity, love doesn’t exist, nothing does!

Grabbing my Taylor Swift notebook and the pen my dad gifted me, I started walking, don’t know where. After an hour, at the stroke of midnight, I have reached the Tempe lake. The view from the east entrance was breath taking! I knew instantly that this was my place. I settled down on a bench and tried to write something – anything, for almost about two hours, in vain. I understood that it was just not about the place and the mood, there’s something more to it.

I started walking back, when I tripped over someone lying unconscious on the floor. She was holding a note in her hand. I was afraid! The last thing I wanted to add to my problems, was a suicide case. I definitely wouldn’t have wanted another distraction and hence, I walked away.

After about ten minutes, I realized what a big mistake I have made! This is not what the old me would have done. I was chasing my identity for so long and when the situation arrived to prove my identity, I ran away from it. What if she was still alive? What if my fear turns out to be one of the reasons for her death? I can’t let that happen. I have to give her and give myself a chance. I started running back!

She was alive, indeed! I took the note and it read, “If I pass out, take me to the following address…”  I was laughing at my fate and angry at my thoughts, at the same time.

“Come on Aki, just one sip. Don’t you want to taste how it is.”
“I seriously don’t.”
“Are you the pure one and we, a bunch of spoiled brats? Come on yaar!”
“I never said it is wrong to drink. It is not, at all!”
“Then?”
“No big reason. I believe in staying away from some things in life. That’s it. Arya also doesn’t drink, why don’t you ask him?”
“I don’t drink because I don’t want anything in my life to control my mind. That’s why I stay away from alcohol and girls.”
“Ha ha, that’s funny. Here I was thinking about asking you out on a date!”
“My rule doesn’t apply to you. You are special!”

I smiled as I remembered the conversation during our first outing with friends. Akriti truly was special to me, in every respect of my life. She was unique, she was herself!

I lifted the woman lying on the floor and started walking towards the parking, when I realized that I don’t have a vehicle.  Forget about vehicle, I didn’t even had a phone to call for help. I lifted her to a standing position and immediately she puked on me just when I was thinking that my day couldn’t get worse. But because of all these, she became half conscious, but still unaware of what’s happening. I put her arms around my neck and started walking and she started walking with me. I took a cab and reached the address in her note. As my luck was that day, no one answered the door and I couldn’t even disturb the neighbors due to the lateness of the hour. I searched her purse and guess what, there were no keys! I found her license and it read, “Leia Brauner”. So, I wasted my night for a crazy, drunk European girl! I tried to wake her up in vain. Helpless, I sat down and she slept, leaning on my shoulder and within sometime, I too fell asleep at her door.

“You spend so much time with your college club, why?”
“Because I love it!”
“More than you love me?”
“I cannot love anything or anyone more than I love you.”
“So, you love me more!”
“I can’t compare, Aki.”
“Why not?”
“Because, love for that society made me who I am and your love made me who I want to be.”

“That’s what I love about you being a writer!” she said as she leaned on my shoulders. The enchanting view from the outdoor seating at Coffee day on the Upper lake, blending with the aroma of the dark chocolate cappuccino is one of the hundreds of things we loved to experience, together. The boundless serenity of the Upper lake complimented the short conversations we used to have. The love in her eyes, the care in her hugs, the dreams we dreamt together, the discussions that never ended and the promises we didn’t keep, everything crossed my mind as I opened my eyes the next day.

…To be continued.

THE OTHER SIDE : The Goodbye

The IMPOSSIBLE CHOICE:
Just imagine that you are given the impossible choice- either to stay asleep in the eternal bliss created by the aura of the world of dreams, where you get to live together with the person you love, forever. Or to wake up into reality where the person you love has only one day left, to live! Most the people choose to ride the illusion of a dream. But the person, who knows what a true love is, would embrace the reality. Because, when you truly love someone, you realize that escaping pain is not the solution if it ceases you an opportunity to soothe the person you love and drive them out of pain. I know this because I fall into the second category who tried to escape the agony, only to ultimately wake up into the reality which is far worse than hell, without the soul of your life and with the guilt of your cowardice.

THE STORY:
Is this all related to the story? Well, it depends on the perception towards the situation. A good writer is a very lonely person or a much loved one. I belonged to the latter category, because I always have led a secretive life. The love I got, was for my carefully crafted personality, which was built up on the house of lies. Worst part of it was the ease with which everyone were convinced. Of course, one cannot really judge what someone’s true face is. Every person has multiple personalities and each personality has its own base where it is cultured. But the problem with me was that I had never let anyone know about my other side- my love story and how miserable I was at it. It all was buried as one big secret. Two months after the painful goodbye to MANIT, I still was shattered. As if a good bye to my friends and juniors didn’t cause me enough pain, I never recovered from my break-up on the last day at college. Actually, it was a mutual decision. We agreed to it a year back, when we came to know that my journey of chasing the dollars would never cross hers, of giving back to the society she grew up in! She was stupid, trying to mend the forever scarred nation and forever spoiled mindsets. I had already got my visa and was ready to travel within a few days. Everything was so perfect, but giving up on her so easily didn’t feel right. For one last time, I wanted to tell her how much I loved her and there I went back, to the place I love the most, Bhopal. Surprises, hugs, love and enough bikes made sure I had an unforgettable kick off to the most important tour of my life. It was not at all difficult for my friends to find out the details about her. I was informed that she was working for an NGO in Bhopal itself and immediately went there to convince her. One thing I loved about her was that she always was as pretty and serene as a lake. And that day, I realized that the lake is more beautiful when it is undisturbed. The tranquility adds grace to the beauty, which makes it irresistible. I saw her teaching the kids and at that moment, her smile felt truer than ever. She was never that happy when she was with me. May be, love never actually exists in the minds with two different ideologies. I was not wrong on my side. I couldn’t risk and lose any chance to settle down well in life and take care of my parents. And she couldn’t find any meaning in sacrificing her true love for her love. We just were different. A stone of love had caused ripples in our lives which faded out in the course of time. There was no point in causing her any more unpromising disturbances. I left the place and went back to my friend’s room at the hostel. Nostalgia of our beautiful past haunted me all through the night.

THE FLASHBACK:
Akriti- the girl who changed the way I live my life and made me a different person. I was so changed after meeting her that I gradually fell in love with myself, like never before. In the beginning days of my fifth semester, I just was out of an anniversary of broken crush, failed proposal and a severe jaundice attack. I short, I was in a complete mess and had taken a serious decision of joining MAD (Make A Difference). On the day of selections, it was quite a chaos over there, with all the people who were eager to boost their resumes and kids who were excited to boost their lives. Then, a serendipity led me to the ultimate serenity. We were randomly divided into teams of two. A very beautiful girl was assigned to me and we didn’t even care to introduce ourselves. We just had one target in our minds, to completely screw the opponents in the first round of the competition- debate. My partner was ferocious and I too joined her after almost half of the discussion and I too was ruthless on the opponents from then on. After the round, I went outside the room for some fresh air and saw a girl in tears. It was my opponent.

“Excuse me” I called her and she turned round wiping her eyes. Her kohl line was spread over her cheek and eye lids were moist like an early morning dew on the tip of a leaf. There was something unique about her beauty which makes her stand out. I wondered whether that was because of the deadly combination of her innocent eyes and gloomy expressions.

“Akriti” she introduced herself and I reciprocated.

“You were good back there.” she complimented.

“Thanks, you were not bad too.” I said without thinking and then turned away my face, embarrassed.

“So, why do you want to make it in?”

“Because my life is in a very critical stage and I want to save it, by diverting myself while doing something good. You?”

“I want to do this because these kids’ lives are in a very critical stage and I want to save those, by dedicating myself doing something helpful.”

That was it! I left the place and went back without attending the further rounds. I felt ashamed of the way I was thinking the whole time. After ten days, she called me and said that she too was not selected and was sorry that she had been the reason for me to quit. She just didn’t understand that she was the reason for me to live, in a true way! In no time, we became good friends and not long after, we became part of each other’s lives. But we did decide that if at the end of the college, we choose different paths, we would happily travel in different directions, instead of sacrificing one’s dreams.  At that time, I didn’t want to think about future. All I know was to find the happiness in her love. I wanted to keep her my little secret as a special part of my life. I was successful in doing that and what happened after that, was a farewell tragedy!

THE GOODBYE:
Coming back to the story, the next three days, I had spent all the time with my juniors and all the love they showed on me, made it harder for me to think about leaving. The worst part was that they never knew my story and after that point, I never thought it mattered anymore. Leaving that love story completely beyond me, I tried to moved on. I still remember the last few minutes I spent in my college, on the half broken bench at Nescafe. One after the other, my friends and juniors came to meet me. My ride had arrived and it was the time for me to leave. The most difficult part was that it was near the CCOAT, where we had unforgettable memories of many fun filled meetings and some professional ones. But time always has the last laugh by putting an end to everything. As I started walking towards the auto, it started raining. People think of me as an emotional fool, but I never shed a tear even on my break up. But on that day, while walking away from the infinite love and hidden truths, I didn’t know when I started crying. I thought those were just the rain drops, flowing down my cheeks, until the pain reached my heart. After that, it was nothing less than a shameless breakdown. I finally snapped out of the painful phase of love and realized the importance of my friends and juniors, in my life. I was sad many a times after that, but never lonely!