“Problem with our mindsets is that we admire the beauty of sunrise and sunset, but fail to see past it. We fail to see that sun burns too!”
San Diego, Jan 2016:
My emotions have peaked a lot of times before, but I was never even half as scared as I was on that evening, waiting for her at the surprisingly silent shore. As my feet came to life every time they’re kissed by the gentle waves, I stood there admiring the depth of the ocean’s beauty, which reminded me of her. The chilling breeze, infinite horizon and the eternal sunset all reminded me of the way her hair used to brush my face as I dozed off on her lap, the way she used to shiver when I touch her ticklish feet while removing the nail polish and the way my heart used to skip a beat every single time she smiles. All the unsent emails I had typed over the past year, which ended up in ‘drafts’ instead of ‘sent items’, rolled through my mind. From our first kiss to our first fight, from our first meeting to breakup- everything was passing by in fragments as I stared into the young night skies.
MY DRAFTS FOLDER
TO: ANANYA RAJKUMAR
SUBJECT: THE SECOND MEETING
We were waiting at the cinemas for you as you were late, as usually. After almost half an hour of waiting, everyone went in, not wanting to miss the introduction. I stayed back, standing there in the mist, trying hard to picture your face. It was all a blur to me. I could vaguely sketch your delightful smile and flowing curly locks, but couldn’t fully recollect your face. It might have been because more than anything, I was mesmerized by your gleeful persona. The way you breathed life into your surroundings with your chirpy way of talking surprised me. So, though I couldn’t recollect your face, I recognized you as soon as you got down the uber and came running towards me. You were every bit as beautiful as your personality. Your cream colored tee and torn jeans complimented your dark stunning face and bright red lips.
“Sorry for the delay. My bike got a flat tire and had to change the plans because of that. You’re Viraj, right?”
“Yeah, that’s me! Shall we go in?” I asked hurriedly, hoping that I didn’t miss too big a chunk of the movie. Remember the frown you gave me for that?
“Actually, I’m not so much into the superhero movies. Shall we go for a walk instead?”
Do you know why I agreed to walk with you instead of watching the movie? I never told you this, but I saw you wiping your eyes before getting down from the car. You might had just been wiping your mascara, I was not sure. But I didn’t want to reject the possibility that something was wrong and that you needed someone to talk to. I guess you still remember how we lost track of both the time and the utterly confusing streets. Well, I was glad that we got lost, which gave us more time to talk. You were tensed about the big decision you made – to follow your dreams of pursuing Master’s in teaching and working for a special needs school. There was this spark when you explained your dreams to me. You explained to me how much it meant to you. As you complained later on, I didn’t speak much. I went on listening to you for hours. Everything about you- your words, your perspectives of life, your dreams and your humorous puns, were intriguing.
“I want to know you better. I want more of these walks” was the stupidest choice of words, but the most effective ones I said in the entire time.
Well, you probably remember all these things or not. Four years is a quite long time. What you don’t know however is that I made a promise to myself that day that if things go well and we get together in a relationship, I would never miss any chance to make you smile. I remembered that promise today and how my last memory of you is of a tearful one for both of us. I write this to you with a hope that you’d give me one more chance to make you smile, to keep my promise.
MY DRAFTS FOLDER
TO: ANANYA RAJKUMAR
SUBJECT: THE FIRST KISS
Remember? When we were on our third date at our usual candle light dinner place, the radio played “Like I’m gonna lose you”, and our gazes unknowingly got fixated on each other. It wasn’t until a few seconds that we realized that we were staring awkwardly with the waiter standing by. It was our song. Then we proceeded to our favorite part- a long walk at the beach. I never get bored of the silly games you play with the waves, while talking to me. Honestly, I don’t remember what we talked on that day anymore! There were so many memories on that beach, that everything’s overlapped in my mind. But what I do remember is that after a couple of hours, we sat down so that the waves just touched our feet and I fell asleep on your shoulders, for quite an amount of time. As I woke up, I saw you looking at me with the cutest expression on your face, teasing me. I put my hands behind your head and your expression changed to a sensual one which I never saw before. I don’t remember anything after that, but we had our first kiss. I think I blacked out after that. Well, it was ironic, considering the saying that “no one forgets their first kiss.”
MY SENT ITEMS
TO: ANANYA RAJKUMAR
SUBJECT: THE MISTAKE
We have been together for two years now and not even once did either of us proposed. But we knew in which direction our future has headed and we were confident of building our lives together, in spite of the then upcoming break of 3 years. My startup directed at the recycling of resources of New Zealand took off and I needed to go, at least for the initial three years, until it is firmly established.
“I’m tensed Anu. I’ve been waiting for this day for so long. 24 hours more and my dream is going to come true.”
“Viraj, remember I said I’ll give you a surprise gift today?”
“Yeah”
“I’ve got admission in Victoria University of Wellington with half fee waiver. We need not wait for another three years to be together. Just three more months.”
“But Anu, your PhD…”
“It’s okay babe. Double master’s is as good as a PhD.”
“Anu, it was your dream to get into this University. It doesn’t make sense, sacrificing your life goals.”
“For a relationship to work, someone has to sacrifice something Viraj. I know how important your dream is. I’m just adjusting mine a little.”
“It doesn’t work that way.”
“It does! And what do you care. It is my life and I have to make this decision anyway.”
“I care because you are ready to leave your dreams. If you are cheating yourself for such silly reasons, how can I ever trust you to not cheat me?” wrong choice of words, wrong choice of thoughts. One needs to be truthful to three things in one’s life- parents, life partner and more than anything to one’s dreams. You may sometimes get a second chance to make things right with the first two, but not with the latter one. I had to be harsh because I know you are one stubborn woman, who’d never let anyone else make decisions for you. What you didn’t know was that you were letting your emotions take the decisions for you, which you’d regret later. I didn’t want you to regret choosing me. But I realized that I crossed a line as soon as I said that, but I made up my mind to not take it back. I thought you would try to talk to me again, but before I knew, it was too late to apologize. I tried calling you until the moment I entered the airport, but you switched off your phone, you stupid stupid woman! After I shifted to Wellington, I tried to send many emails to you, but couldn’t back myself up to hit the send button. I am coming to San Diego this week. I don’t want to miss what probably might be the true last chance I am going to get. I know it is too crazy to say this after two years of silence, but let’s meet up this Saturday. You know the place. I really do want to see that smile again!
MY DRAFTS FOLDER
TO: ANANYA RAJKUMAR
SUBJECT: THE MISTAKE
Though it’d be only an extra 5 minutes, we go further into the airport to bid goodbye to our loved ones. No one misses any chance to postpone the farewell hug as long as possible. Why, even “the doctor” burnt an entire sun in the supernova to just get a few minutes with Rose and to say a proper good bye. We had been together for over two years now and so, I was not wrong in expecting you to be there. My eyes were fixated to the airport door, awaiting you arrival, in vain. I understand that after what all happened between us, you really must’ve been hurt. But the moment I went past the security check was the moment my heart broke. I was moving into a whole new world and the thought that I was going to do it alone, shattered my hopes. As I entered the flight, I took a deep breath, tried to convince myself that your absence is not going to make any difference in my life and got ready to face what’s coming to me. But I would be lying to myself if I don’t admit now that my life was never the same again! Mornings were gloomier, days were lengthier and the evenings were lonely. It was as if I was trying to build a future by leaving an important part of my life in my past. That nonexistent goodbye scarred my life and my view towards relationships forever. I changed all my email addresses, phone numbers and took a break from social networking. I never had a friend in these two years, let alone the relationships. We both have been hurt Ananya and we both paid price for that.
NOW:
As I got lost into my memories, a Cadillac escalade stopped near me and she got down. After all these years, she never cease to amaze me. With a white shirt and blue jeans, she was looking more elegant than ever. Though she looked paler for some reason, that beautiful arc of a smile was present, as strong as always!
“Anu… Ananya! How have you been?”
“Two years is a very long time Viraj!” she said with a half-smile.
“I know right, how’s your life now?”
“I tried to get in contact with you. You kind of made that impossible. ”
“Yeah, sorry Ananya. After what all happened, with you not coming to the airport and not being in contact for days after that, I snapped. I just wanted some time alone.”
“Hmm.”
“You haven’t changed, you know. Except for this new, short haircut. Same old, charming Ananya.” I said, handing out the bouquet of her favorite lilies.
“Stop it Viraj! I am not here to fondle our memories. Do you really think it is so easy to mend something? Do you even have the slightest of idea what I have gone through?”
“I have Anu. I went through the same trauma, remember? I was hurt too. I don’t think it is fair to blame a single person for what happened between us.”
Her smile completely disappeared. “Remember, you used to tell me that I am the most passionate and strongest woman you’ve ever met? Well, I was weak too. That day, as soon as you stormed out through that door, I lost my mind. It was like my world turned upside down in a few minutes. I showed a moment of weakness then and slit my wrist. But it was a momentary decision and I myself called the ambulance myself. I still attend rehab Viraj! It was not until two weeks later that I came back to consciousness and you were just gone! I got back to the program and every day that I attended my classes, I realized that you were right to stop me. I wouldn’t have been happier leaving all this. There was not a day, which passed by without me, waiting for your phone. But it didn’t ring.”
I stood there speechless. How often our perception does deceives us! We think that what we know is what’s happening in the world. We smile, we laugh we get scared, we get angry, thinking that the world around us is doing the same. I never knew Ananya was capable of even crying, let alone trying to commit suicide. I wanted to make things right, then and there.
“Ananya, I wanted to do this at the airport 3 years ago. I am sorry for what happened between us. Will you marry me? I shall never let you be sad again!”
“You don’t understand Viraj! Relationship is not about being sad. It is about being there for each other when sad and you weren’t there for me. I am not blaming you. We have had our fights and we have had our chances to make it right. When I got time to analyze our relationship, I realized that we were never comfortable in sharing our problems with each other. It is over now. Actually, I have met a great guy in rehab and have been in a relationship since past six months. My life and my career are going on smoothly now. But the truth is that, I wouldn’t have accepted this proposal even if I was not in a relationship.” Saying this she headed to her car.
I knew she was not going to turn back. That last line broke my heart. I stood there on my knees holding the ring in my hand, which shone the reflection of the moon into my eyes.
euphoricwrites 